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By Derek Jarman

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152 SEPTEMBER Vomit-coloured faces of Saturday evening revellers lurching from one brief swap joint to a different. Queues around the paper stands for the Sundays. Sunday 17 This morning the streets are empty, with the exception of the derelicts and mounds of garbage. One guy huddled within the doorway requested 'You be aware of what day it's? ' 'Sunday. ' at the present time i'm going to do not anything. The aimless nightlife for the sunlight humans, who've no concept tips to behave after the solar has set, has evaporated during this empty sunrise. a brief trip to the marketplace at Camden Lock: obtained wood versions of fighter planes for a portray of a kid's mattress within the Glasgow exhibition; then over to the nursery to shop for tulips, narcissus, and hyacinth for the balcony backyard. At 8 I went as much as Hampstead Heath and walked within the moonlight until eventually middle of the night. the entire moon was once so vibrant it blinded my eyes. No bonfires or gypsies. anxious in regards to the movie. Insuperable limitations of topic, finance, the elements, my well-being. again at 12:30. HB's voice at the answerphone. Monday 18 Slept soundly. obtained Keith Vaughan's/owrmz/ and collapsed at the mattress with it. Sharing his issues made me conscious how fortunate i'm. I want now I had bought to grasp him — but if you're younger you don't fully grasp your formative years is an asset. I by no means notion i may do whatever yet bore him — felt tongue-tied, unsophisticated. He mentions he was once coming to my exhibition, yet by no means made it. How he could have spent a delightful afternoon with a gaggle folks. The final years of the magazine are so bleak — the outline of the wasps devouring the pears in his backyard, flying like bullets; and he, barricaded inside of, not able to get pleasure from an ideal autumn day. in contrast to Keith Vaughan, i am not out of affection with myself. I nonetheless maintain useless illusions that 1 am fascinating. I rarely drink — except out on a few escapade. Smoke the occasional joint. final evening I went to the Heath with no both, although I took a bottle of poppers - a behavior I received past due. i've got effectively given up smoking. I nonetheless preserve a powerful feel of self-preservation, even though i believe in music together with his melancholy. His diaries assemble in power till 153 MODERN NATURE the suicide: Tve taken the drugs. ' Tuesday 19 Little time for depressed introspection, conferences all day. First at Basilisk for subsequent week's shoot. Then a protracted stroll with Derek Brown via Covent backyard, the place we discovered a puffer fish for the kid's masks and a silver water pot of biblical proportions. Ice cream at NeaPs backyard, then again to Basilisk and the Pets' edit, that is coming to an in depth. The spotlight of the day was once HB's edit of our little promo for the movie, within which he had positioned the constellations over the ocean at Dungeness. I get better, the sweats have handed like a shadow. I shivered as an individual walked over my grave. while the hurly-burly of the week is over the quiet at Dungeness will convey few of those shadows. occasionally at evening the noise of the Charing go highway is insufferable; and lunch this present day at Mildred's used to be a torture of chatter so loud I felt pressed up opposed to the wall.

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