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By Artie Lange

Outrageous, uncooked, and painfully humorous real tales immediately from the lifetime of the actor, comic, and much-loved forged member of The Howard Stern Show—with a foreword via Howard Stern.

When Artie Lange joined the everlasting forged of The Howard Stern Show in 2001, it used to be probably the best factor ever to occur within the Stern universe, moment basically to the show’s circulate to the wild, uncensored frontier of satellite tv for pc radio. Lange supplied what Stern had but to discover all within the similar position: a wit speedy adequate to maintain speed along with his personal, a pathetic self-image to dwarf his personal, a private heritage either heartbreaking and hilarious, and an ingrained experience of self-sabotage that regularly retains issues attention-grabbing.

A average storyteller with a bottomless pit of fabric, Lange grew up in a close-knit, working-class Italian kinfolk in Union, New Jersey, a maniacal Yankees fan who pursued the 2 issues his father stated he was once minimize out for—sports and comedy. Tragically, Artie Lange Sr. by no means observed the reality in that prediction: He grew to become a quadriplegic in an coincidence whilst Artie was once eighteen and died quickly after. yet as with all trial in his existence, from his drug habit to his weight problems to his fights along with his mom, Artie mines the humor, pathos, and humanity in those occasions and turns them into comedy classics.

True enthusiasts of the Stern Show will locate Artie gold in those pages: hilarious stories that couldn’t have occurred to somebody else. There are tales from his days riding a Jersey cab, operating as a longshoreman in Port Newark, and navigating the darkish circuit of stand-up comedy. There are outrageous episodes from the frenzied heights of his coked-up days at MADtv, unusually relocating tales from his youth, and an account of his contemporary U.S.O. travel that's both stirring and irreverent. but additionally during this quantity are tales Artie’s by no means advised earlier than, together with a few that he deemed too revealing for radio.

Wild, stunning, and drop-dead hilarious, Too fats to Fish is Artie Lange giving every little thing he’s acquired to provide. and prefer a real seasoned, the guy by no means disappoints.

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Sue watched as they hauled me off to their again office, ripping my Thurman Munson blouse within the procedure. I went from hilarious hero to overall loser within the blink of an eye fixed. Pulling off a prank is great—if you pull it off. There’s most likely not anything worse on the planet of sophistication clowning than getting busted within the act and humiliated by way of the very authority figures you made this type of large attempt to ridicule. I didn’t visit the massive house—that got here afterward in my glamorous existence. The guards permit me off with a caution, yet they did make this kind of large convey of publicly scaring the shit out of me that I needed to claim that grand plan of mine officially a failure. I grew a growing number of wanting to win Sue over because the summer time glided by, so via the final week of August i used to be in a country of silent panic. that's how I’d represent my faulty, extraordinary way of thinking, and it's the in basic terms clarification i will find for the thoroughly retarded stunt that I resorted to 1 sunny afternoon earlier than she left. The day began lovely basic, as I bear in mind: I made plans with a few associates to play whiffleball in my yard round 1 p. m. I then forty eight � Artie Lange Union’s so much sought after spoke to Sue, who halfheartedly requested me if i wished to return together with her whereas she ran errands in her mother’s vehicle, a ’77 Ford Granada. mom and dad love a automobile like that, simply because it’s gradual and uninteresting and secure. They suppose solely cozy loaning a vehicle like that to their little ones, as the simply type of demise it is going to reason is death of embarrassment. Sue had a number of goods to shop for and unfastened ends to tie up earlier than making her monstrous flow to school, so this run used to be going to take all morning. I agreed to compliment her sooner than she defined the uninteresting and tedious record of stops we’d need to make—not that it's going to have made a distinction to me. i used to be being provided with a complete morning to paintings my magic each which manner on her. there have been going to be possibilities to woo her left and correct; definitely this is able to be the day that Sue fell perpetually for Artie. It didn’t really determine that method, yet now not for an absence of attempting: From the instant she picked me up, I hunted for any excuse to teach off my totally fascinating experience of spontaneity. unfortunately, i discovered no openings except my traditional and relentless busting of chops throughout. and that i used to be even arising brief in that division. i actually hadn’t thought of simply how dull a morning of precollege errands might be. As will be obvious by way of now, Sue used to be far more mature than i used to be. She already had her personal checking account and a checkbook, which to me was once very notable. The final errand of the morning was once preventing off on the financial institution to deposit a cost. I’d gotten nowhere in my venture, and that i used to be very conscious of the truth that this used to be the tip of the trip, so that you can converse, so i made a decision to enter the financial institution together with her and at least bust a few extra chops. after we acquired within, Sue went to the again to do her banking whereas I walked round like a boob, unsuccessfully warding off boredom. the single factor that aroused my curiosity used to be a teller in a single of front windows—a quite adorable vast in her mid-twenties with darkish hair and great knockers.

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